Just to say that the ZD blog will be quiet for the next week or two, but there will be a LOT of new content added after that - we're getting it ready for publication right now.
Click Follow (it's on the right) and you'll know when all the exciting new stuff arrives!
Saturday, 27 February 2010
Thursday, 18 February 2010
More from Uncle Bellend
Road names that change
So there's a slight bend in the road. That is not a valid reason to change the name! We're not in The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Pissing Night-time here - no autistic kids are going to lose it just because a road that isn't perfectly straight keeps the same name. I bet the Royal Mail's behind this - it'll be a union thing - or (more probably) it's due to grafting modern town planning on to medieval settlements. But it's not acceptable in any case.
Church Street and "Church Road", Warsop? I'm looking right at you. And don't even get me started on King's Parade and "Trumpington St" in Cambridge. Ridiculous.
Absolutely vile.
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
"Miscellaneous Musings" by Uncle Bellend
Uncle Bellend is one of Middle Reality's more unstable characters. We occasionally let him out for some fresh air, and recenntly he has had this to say:
Meerkats
I love it that somebody got a job in insurance and now gets paid to pretend to be a meerkat on Twitter! Love it! @Aleksandr_Orlov
BEP
Black Eyed Peas: "I travelled across the universe and the other galaxies." Basic astronomy fail right there.
Childcatcher
I don't understand why the Childcatcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang loses his disguise as soon as he's caught the kids. Why not stay as a sweet seller? No, just gallop through the streets cackling with 2 screaming children locked in a fucking cage on wheels. WHY?!
Dogs & Lifts
Fact 1: People are famously awkward in lifts: standing in close proximity to a stranger for a period of time too long to stay silent, yet too short to develop a proper conversation, results in embarrassing conversations.
Fact 2: People (especially the British) generally like dogs and will often talk to a stranger's cute dog rather than to said stranger (the same applies to talking to babies). Dogs often provide a talking piece.
Solution: Put toilet-trained dogs in all lifts.
Baby's hair
I hate it when adverts say "for baby", as though it's a unified concept, or there is only one in existence - the Baby, with a capital 'B'. "Shampoo for baby's hair" - no, it's for "a baby's hair", for fuck's sake.
Off of
Scott Mills is to blame for this one. "Heidi off of the Sugababes", "Paul off of Leicester"; no Scott, Heidi is from the Sugababes, and Paul is from Leicester. You can be "off of" a TV show - "Ross off of Friends" - and that's about it. Prick.
Tea Haiku
hot steamish fluid
flushed through leaves in blue teapots
black, milk or lemon.
Jobs for black men
ZD FOTD: There are two jobs that I've only ever seen black men doing, namely "carwasher" in supermarket car parks and "toilet freshen-up guy" in nightclubs. It's actually illegal* for anybody other than a black man to perform one of these roles. As well as overpriced aftershaves and hair gel, it's customary for the toilet guy to supply you with witticisms, such as a tuneful "fresh-en up, fresh-en up, for punani".
*it's actually not
** This post isn't racist, by the way. Just in case you thought it was. It's not. So that's okay then.
Coke Zero
Coke Zero is literally that. Zero. Nada. 'Real' Coke has a great taste all of its own – completely different to any other cola – Diet Coke is dishwater, and best avoided, but Zero is like drinking a vacuum. It's not 'nothing' in the way water is - water tastes of something - it literally tastes of nothing.
When it was launched, I instantly preferred it to the diet variety, and decided that no matter how good real Coke tasted, it contained too much sugar. Zero won out, despite not tasting as good. I still think it's far better than Diet Coke, but I've reconsidered my stance in Zero's battle with The Real Thing™: it's not a patch on it. Give me diabetes any day. Put a can of Zero to your lips and you gulp at wet air, and you don't need a can to be able to do that.
Wikipedia Semen
The Google Image search result for "wikipedia wiki" is somewhat unexpected - instead of the wikipedia logo, you get a wikipedia page showing two cartoon women "snowballing" semen between their mouths. Unusual to say the least.
Meerkats
I love it that somebody got a job in insurance and now gets paid to pretend to be a meerkat on Twitter! Love it! @Aleksandr_Orlov
BEP
Black Eyed Peas: "I travelled across the universe and the other galaxies." Basic astronomy fail right there.
Childcatcher
I don't understand why the Childcatcher in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang loses his disguise as soon as he's caught the kids. Why not stay as a sweet seller? No, just gallop through the streets cackling with 2 screaming children locked in a fucking cage on wheels. WHY?!
Dogs & Lifts
Fact 1: People are famously awkward in lifts: standing in close proximity to a stranger for a period of time too long to stay silent, yet too short to develop a proper conversation, results in embarrassing conversations.
Fact 2: People (especially the British) generally like dogs and will often talk to a stranger's cute dog rather than to said stranger (the same applies to talking to babies). Dogs often provide a talking piece.
Solution: Put toilet-trained dogs in all lifts.
Baby's hair
I hate it when adverts say "for baby", as though it's a unified concept, or there is only one in existence - the Baby, with a capital 'B'. "Shampoo for baby's hair" - no, it's for "a baby's hair", for fuck's sake.
Off of
Scott Mills is to blame for this one. "Heidi off of the Sugababes", "Paul off of Leicester"; no Scott, Heidi is from the Sugababes, and Paul is from Leicester. You can be "off of" a TV show - "Ross off of Friends" - and that's about it. Prick.
Tea Haiku
hot steamish fluid
flushed through leaves in blue teapots
black, milk or lemon.
Jobs for black men
ZD FOTD: There are two jobs that I've only ever seen black men doing, namely "carwasher" in supermarket car parks and "toilet freshen-up guy" in nightclubs. It's actually illegal* for anybody other than a black man to perform one of these roles. As well as overpriced aftershaves and hair gel, it's customary for the toilet guy to supply you with witticisms, such as a tuneful "fresh-en up, fresh-en up, for punani".
*it's actually not
** This post isn't racist, by the way. Just in case you thought it was. It's not. So that's okay then.
Coke Zero
Coke Zero is literally that. Zero. Nada. 'Real' Coke has a great taste all of its own – completely different to any other cola – Diet Coke is dishwater, and best avoided, but Zero is like drinking a vacuum. It's not 'nothing' in the way water is - water tastes of something - it literally tastes of nothing.
When it was launched, I instantly preferred it to the diet variety, and decided that no matter how good real Coke tasted, it contained too much sugar. Zero won out, despite not tasting as good. I still think it's far better than Diet Coke, but I've reconsidered my stance in Zero's battle with The Real Thing™: it's not a patch on it. Give me diabetes any day. Put a can of Zero to your lips and you gulp at wet air, and you don't need a can to be able to do that.
Wikipedia Semen
The Google Image search result for "wikipedia wiki" is somewhat unexpected - instead of the wikipedia logo, you get a wikipedia page showing two cartoon women "snowballing" semen between their mouths. Unusual to say the least.
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